The Duties of Parents

            A week or so ago, some very close friends of mine recommended an extensive essay written by a theologian named J. C. Ryle on the topic of Parenting. I must admit, I was initially wary because of two Calvinistic principles I immediately saw in the essay that I completely disagree with. To build upon the premise of “Total Depravity” and “Limited Atonement” leaves much room for err.

            It is true that humans are born sinful. You need not teach a child how to be bad. The capacity to sin may, in fact, be greater than the capacity to do good…but to state it as a Biblical fact that humans will inadvertently and willfully do what is evil, when given the choice to do good is simply a presumptuous claim.

            We must not fall into the Calvinistic error of thinking that humans cannot do good apart from God. Selfishness, in and of itself, is not evil or sinful. Think about it: if one were to be completely 100% unselfish, what would that entail? YOU are reading this article because YOU want to. YOU eat food because YOU need and want to, YOU had children for YOURSELF, God made us for HIM. Selfishness is a vice when it has a negative/bad/sinful effect on another individual.  But I do not wish to dive into the definition of selfishness any further; perhaps YOU would like to discuss this by contacting me privately. What I am trying to say, is that it is true that a child is naturally selfish, but what stems from that selfishness is not automatically sinful/bad.

            This essay was, in fact, magnificent, despite my initial misgivings. I would like to discuss a few key points he brings up. Consider this my own personal commentary if you will.

1. “…for when they grow up to man's estate, they do not walk with God.”

• The world naturally walks its own path. If a child, or any human being for that matter, were to be raised, surrounded by, and taught by the world, they will most likely walk the path of destruction, but this is not for certain. There are those raised in a foster home or an orphanage or even a foreign country that have chosen Christ. We do have a God-given conscience, but the world can twist our reality…it can twist that which God tries to tell us, so much so, that even with the greatest intentions, we may choose the greatest sin of all, rejecting Christ. Hence, we as parents must seek to raise our kids in such a way that they will want to emulate Christ. You want them to choose to come to you for guidance so that you may point them upward to Christ.

2. “Think for him, judge for him, act for him, just as you would for one weak and blind; but for pity's sake, give him not up to his own wayward tastes and inclinations. It must not be his likings and wishes that are consulted. He knows not yet what is good for his mind and soul, any more than what is good for his body. You do not let him decide what he shall eat, and what he shall drink, and how he shall be clothed. Be consistent, and deal with his mind in like manner. Train him in the way that is scriptural and right, and not in the way that he fancies.”

• This is, in no way, saying that you are to be controlling in the sense that you program and dictate your child’s every action. And yet, Mr. Ryle does tend to lean more towards the extreme Calvinists belief of Total Depravity that a human cannot/will not do good when left to their own devices. It is for this reason he says, “It must not be his likings and wishes that are consulted.” He would not say this if he believed a child’s likings and wishes could be virtuous. And yet, his later wording implies the less Calvinistic, the more contradictory, view that one must win your child’s heart. You cannot win their heart if you do not allow their heart to freely choose submission. I personally do believe it to be Scripturally consistent to state that a child can be guided by their conscience (not the parent) to do good/submit to their parent. It is for this reason Apologist use the “Argumentum a Conscientia.” If you were to continue reading, you will see that Mr. Ryle actually agrees with what I have just said here. You cannot control your child’s natural “fancies,” but we as parents are called to mold them in such a way that they may choose to “reject that which is evil and cling to what is good.”

3. “Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct. Kindness, gentleness, long-suffering, forbearance, patience, sympathy, a willingness to enter into childish troubles, a readiness to take part in childish joys, — these are the cords by which a child may be led most easily, — these are the clues you must follow if you would find the way to his heart.”

• You see, right here. Mr. Ryle knows that you cannot forcibly control your child. If we are to think, judge, and act for them, we must do so through the “cords of love” because your child must be led to obedience, and the only way to lead them to true obedience is by way of their heart.

4. “Now children's minds are cast in much the same mold as our own. Sternness and severity of manner chill them and throw them back. It shuts up their hearts, and you will weary yourself to find the door… they must be wooed with kindness, if their attention is ever to be won.”

• I am glad that he says this, and I know not what I can add. There are those who believe that the ends justify the means so long as the ends are obedience… but the ends only go so far for a pre-adolescent. They will not be children forever and how you lay the foundation will have much effect on the relationship you will have with them when they grow up and make life altering decisions on their own. Do you want them to be open with you? Do you want them to rebel? Do you want them to yearn for freedom? Do you want them to willingly seek your council/advice? Do you want them to be able to one day think for themselves?

5. “Children are weak and tender creatures, and, as such, they need patient and considerate treatment. We must handle them delicately, like frail machines, lest by rough fingering we do more harm than good…Their minds are like a lump of metal — not to be forged and made useful at once, but only by a succession of little blows.”

• I have said this numerous times before. We, as parents, are not in the business of making “perfect” children…we are to make God-fearing human beings. If we handle them too roughly - if we try to forge them into perfect little kids all at once - the harm we may cause will give birth to resentment, rebellion, and, in some cases, even apostasy. We must remember that we are to be Christ-like in the sense that mercy and grace may have more effect, in some cases, than the rod.

6. “Just so you must set before your children their duty, — command, threaten, punish, reason, — but if affection be wanting in your treatment, your labour will be all in vain.”

“Anger and harshness may frighten, but they will not persuade the child that you are right; and if he sees you often out of temper, you will soon cease to have his respect.”

“Try hard to keep up a hold on your child's affections. It is a dangerous thing to make your children afraid of you.”

“Fear puts an end to openness of manner; — fear leads to concealment; — fear sows the seed of much hypocrisy, and leads to many a lie. There is a mine of truth in the Apostle's words to the Colossians: ‘Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged’ (Col. 3:21). Let not the advice it contains be overlooked.”

• This is one of the greatest parts of this essay. We are to command our children… we are to threaten them…. We are to punish them…. And we are to reason with them… ALL with affection. If there is no affection, your labor will be in vain. This is not to say that if, you don’t show affection, your child will not listen to you. He may, in fact, listen, but he does so out of fear, and that fear will lead to your children not being as open, thus leading to much concealment. I believe that the reasoning with your child upon punishing them is most important. They must know from whence the discipline comes. When they know it comes from love, their affection towards you may grow, so much so, that their choices may revolve around your happiness and approval in the future.

7. “Soul love is the soul of all love. To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look to, and this life the only season for happiness — to do this is not true love, but cruelty… it is hiding from him that grand truth…that the chief end of his life is the salvation of his soul.”

• Happiness does not equal rightness. We know, as Christians, true happiness come from the Truth. If we teach our children how to get happiness from this world, we have already begun to lead them down the path of the rejection of the light. They will one day realize that when all happiness is gone, they can find peace in Joy. In this day and age, too many children have been raised in a bubble that is too easily popped by the thorns and thistles of the darkness of reality in this godless world. The parents protect this childish bubble by indulging their children, and by doing so, growth and maturity is sacrificed.

8. “Some are to be found amongst us who give the Church the honour due to Jesus Christ. Some are to be found who make the sacraments saviours and passports to eternal life. And some are to be found in like manner who honour a catechism more than the Bible, or fill the minds of their children with miserable little story-books, instead of the Scripture of truth.”

• This is very interesting, and it actually gave me some perspective. I know of parents, especially in the Reformed church, who try to teach their kids catechisms and sacraments because they esteem them as high as Scripture itself. This is not to say that said catechisms or sacraments are therefor non-Biblical, but we must accept the fact that they are not, in fact, Scripture. What I believe Mr. Ryle is saying is that we must set a firm foundation for our children, and the best—the most solid foundation out there—is Scripture itself. Catechisms and Sacraments are no better than the traditions of the Catholic church. I myself fall victim to the last part of what he says, because I sometimes, “fill the minds of [my] children with miserable little story-books, instead of the Scripture of truth.” I let them watch cartoons with superheros and villians, and then when I try to show them David and Goliath, they merely think it’s another cartoon. No doubt this is in part due to their ages, and they will one day know that there is fantasy and reality to distinguish between…but still…it is somewhat discomforting when they would rather watch or hear about superman instead of the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark. Perhaps I am being a little too hard on myself… but it is something I think about.

9. “Tell them of sin, its guilt, its consequences, its power, its vileness: you will find they can comprehend something of this.”

• I believe this is true, and yet, it can be somewhat dangerous. We should tell our children of sin, wrong doing, disobedience, etc. But I firmly believe that you should not directly call your children sinners. A good example of this is how we do not have the “sex talk” with our 5 year old child, but wait until a certain age. It is true that they are sinners. It is true that we humans are, in fact, evil (though not pure evil, as some would lead you to believe), but you would be surprised how detrimental it is to your children - both mentally and spiritually - to call them sinners. You might as well call them worthless. A child is unable to “cure” the condition of being a sinner. I believe that children are incapable of being saved, of asking Christ into their hearts, unless they understand the realities of life, death, sin, salvation, and WHO Christ actually is. Allow me to put it this way, if your child is old enough to accept Christ, than they are old enough to reject Him and go to Hell. We must seek to be consistent. Another example is just like a child is unable to understand the concepts of marriage and yet have fake weddings. Simply because children are young and innocent. Does this mean that if your 5 year old child prays the sinners prayer, you should stop them and tell them that they are not really saved? NO! That would be complete foolishness to do so! Encourage them! Rejoice with them! Let them know that it is good to come to Christ! And when the time comes for them…when the Lord truly knocks on the door of their hearts… perhaps they will be more keen on letting Him in simply because they know it is GOOD and TRUE. I know this paragraph may be somewhat vague… and it will be easily to read into it that which is not there, so please ask me for clarification where I fail to communicate anything. Mr. Ryle does touch on what I said here when he says: “…I suspect we have no idea how much a little child can take in of the length and breadth of the glorious gospel. They see far more of these things than we suppose. [Note: As to the age when the religious instruction of a child should begin, no general rule can be laid down. The mind seems to open in some children much more quickly than in others. We seldom begin too early. There are wonderful examples on record of what a child can attain to, even at three years old.]”

10. “I have heard it said by some, that you should require nothing of children which they cannot understand: that you should explain and give a reason for everything you desire them to do. I warn you solemnly against such a notion…No doubt it is absurd to make a mystery of everything you do, and there are many things which it is well to explain to children, in order that they may see that they are reasonable and wise…

• I love to explain myself to my children. I feel as though I am actually educating them to a certain extent, and yet, not all that you desire of them can be explained and understood by them. Hence, what they can understand should not determine what you desire. There are some parents who think that they must explain everything, and if their child does not understand, then they, the parent, must be doing something wrong. They forget that they are the boss, the leader, the superior, protector, etc., and the child will inevitably suffer. You should not have to explain every single thing you tell your children to do. They should be familiar with not having reasons/explanations for things required of them. Some good examples of this would be in the work place when it is their responsibility to do as their boss says even if they don’t understand why. An even better example is our relationship with God our Father. We don’t always understand why things happen to us or why we are called to do certain things we can’t comprehend… But there are also those parents who will explain nothing to their child and act as dictators. “You child….me parent!” “You do, or you get spanked!” And the child simply grows up in fear rather than respect. What Mr. Ryle says at the end here is very powerful… you want your child to see that you are both “reasonable and wise” and that what you asking of them to do is also reasonable and wise.

11. “Note: As to the best way of punishing a child, no general rule can be laid down. The characters of children are so exceedingly different, that what would be a severe punishment to one child, would be no punishment at all to another. I only beg to enter my decided protest against the modern notion that no child ought ever to be whipped. Doubtless some parents use bodily correction far too much, and far too violently; but many others, I fear, use it far too little.”

• I am glad that he says this here. Many people tend to forget that not every child is the same. We are all different and respond to things differently. I know of kids who are affected more by scolding than they are by spanking. And yet, the Bible clearly says that if you spare the rod, you will spoil the child. I believe every child should receive a physical spanking at some point in their young lives. But I do not think that spanking should be the “go to” response to every disobedient thing they do. In this day and age, people tend to spank far too little and/or incorrectly. A lot of people say that spanking does not work when it is they who know not how to do it. Spanking is actually very effective. I have seen disobedient children who for hours on end have acted like animals and even “demonic” to a certain extent, and when spanked, they completely do a 180 and do what I call a “reset.”

12. “Never listen to those who tell you your children are good, and well brought up, and can be trusted. Think rather that their hearts are always inflammable as tinder. At their very best, they only want a spark to set their corruptions alight. Parents are seldom too cautious. Remember the natural depravity of your children, and take care.”

• It is true that you should not allow yourself to be puffed up in regards to the behavior of your children. They are not perfect, and they can be quite selfish (in the negative sense). I don’t agree with Mr. Ryle’s Calvinistic terminology of depravity… setting their “corruption alight.” Just like every other human being created by God, children too have the choice to give in to corruption, and since not all kids are the same, some may, in fact, choose good. You may actually have a good kid. Let not this notion be alien to you. This is not to say that they cannot, nor will not sin. I have seen kids look after their own, sacrifice something that was theirs, and confess to things which they should not have done. But consistently policing and mistrusting your children will not foster an open, healthy, trusting relationship.

In conclusion, we as parents have a very delicate, complicated, God-given duty to rightly and virtuously raise our children. Mistakes can be made and the only perfect parent is God Himself. Please do not consider yourself the “super-parent” or the wisest when it comes to your child rearing abilities. Let us all take, and ask for, criticism. Especially as brothers and sisters of the faith. We all have much to learn.